Strange Vicinity
by Nokomiss
Summary: “Listen here, ShePlant, don’t do anything hasty, and I won’t have to toss your salad,” Buffy announced heroically, gesturing threateningly with Mr. Pointy. Batman crossover.


Title: Strange Vicinity  
Characters: Buffy, Faith/Robin, Poison Ivy (Roughly Season 3, Buffy-verse, and during Jason Todd's time as Robin.)  
Word count:1149  
Rating: PG-13

AN: Written for Rainpuddle13.

* * *

"This is not what was supposed to happen," Buffy said as she stared at the scene in front of them.

"No shit," Faith replied. She looked behind them, hoping a portal would still be there. No such luck, which was too damn bad, because she definitely wanted the hell out of dodge.

There was a kid in green panties and a cape strapped to the wall with what looked like kudzu. There was a redhead wearing a salad standing over him lasciviously, hand on her hip like a vegan Playboy bunny.

"How is it that everywhere I go with you, there's something disturbingly kinky going down?" Buffy hissed.

Faith shrugged. "Just lucky?"

"How did you get in here?" the redhead demanded, turning away from her boy captive and scowling. "Incompetent guards..."

"Don't fire anyone, we just had a hoodoo accident," Buffy said quickly. "I'm sure we'll be out of here in a flash."

She looked around expectantly for a flash. Faith had less confidence in their stuttering witch, and pulled out her stake.

Ivy just smirked and began to saunter closer, vines rising around her.

"Listen here, She-Plant, don't do anything hasty, and I won't have to toss your salad," Buffy announced heroically, gesturing threateningly with Mr. Pointy.

"Toss your salad?" Faith mouthed as the boy on the wall unsuccessfully held back snickers.

"Shush, we have to show a united front!" Buffy replied before launching herself towards the green woman.

Faith quickly decided that her stake would be less than productive against a plant-controlling hussy, and pulled her knife out of the back of her belt and began to hack away at the vines that were trying to go all _Evil Dead_ on her.

She had just made her way to where the good fight was actually happening when Buffy managed to avoid the vines long enough to punch the green lady in the face, sending her crumpling to the floor.

"Damn, I missed the fun," Faith said. She looked at the green lady again. "How do we kill her?"

"I'm not sure if we should kill her," Buffy said. She prodded the woman's head with her foot. "She might be a person."

"She's _green_," Faith said. "Green things aren't usually people."

"Be careful, Ivy uses kisses and sex pollen to control people," the bondage boy offered helpfully from the wall.

"I am never going anywhere with you ever again," Buffy said decisively to Faith.

"Is 'sex pollen' an euphemism for something? Because I'm not down with anything _really_ icky," Faith said, giving Ivy a speculative glance.

Buffy snorted disbelievingly, then said, "She isn't a demon, Faith. I'll tie her up. You get the circus reject off the wall."

Faith approached the boy, who was making a valiant effort to see down her top from his vantage point.

"You know, one thing that helps prevent nasty rope burns are pants," Faith offered helpfully as she sliced through the kudzu securing the boy to the wall.

"What fun would that be?" he replied, thrusting away from the wall helpfully to allow her easier access to the crisscrossing vines, and, Faith noted, managing to make the gesture only slightly obscene with the smirk on his lips.

She obligingly pinched his ass as she cut free the last vine. He jumped, just a bit, then grinned at her. "So, hot momma, what's your name?"

"You know," she said, tapping her knife on her palm and giving his green panties a deliberate glance, "it doesn't look from here like you've got brass balls. So don't be calling me 'hot momma' again unless you're ready to be able to bronze them."

"I'm Robin," he said, undeterred. "How can I ever thank you for rescuing me?"

Faith imagined he was probably batting his eyes under that dumb mask he was wearing. Little creep.

"Faith!" Buffy yelled. "Stop flirting and help!"

Given how odd this place clearly was, Faith was almost unsurprised at the fact that there were _actual_ plant-ladies fighting to enter through the door Buffy was holding closed. Maybe they were plant-people, actually. All she could see were branchy, leafy arms clawing around the door.

"How many are there?" Faith asked as she took a loose fighting stance.

"Let me pass around census forms," Buffy said. "Oh, look, it's between two and LOTS."

Robin had produced some sharp little bat-shaped thingies from somewhere, Faith noticed. She had only enough time to wonder _where_ when he announced, "Let them in, we can take them."

Buffy stepped aside, and let the plant-people come charging into the room.

Robin was surprisingly good with all the hitting and kicking. Faith could see how every jab and kick for the kid meant the same thing it did to her- the joy of breaking someone else and sex and release and _fun_.

Unfortunately, the plant-people weren't taking their beating lying down. Faith was hacking at one that was trying to rescue its gagged-and-bound mistress when Buffy called for backup plans.

"Keep hitting them til they stop moving?" Robin suggested, whacking a plant in the face with a club that had been an arm minutes before. Its branchy fingers kept twitching.

"Faith? Any other ideas?"

"If these green things are people, too, then I'm with Mighty Mouse," Faith said. "Otherwise I say let's torch 'em."

"Are they people?" Buffy asked Robin.

"Nope," he said. "They're torchable."

The fight went too fast after that, in Faith's opinion. Once they lit up the first few plant-people, the others scattered. Robin seemed disappointed, too.

That left Faith, Buffy and Robin standing in a room, deserted except for the trussed-up Ivy.

"Is now when we worry about how we're getting back home?" Buffy asked. "Because I'm not so much with the fond of this place."

"I don't know," said Faith, "If all the boys here have legs like his, I could get used to it."

"I can hear you," Robin said. "But if all the hotties where you're from kick that much ass, I want to go with you."

"Got any food?" Faith asked.  
"If you're going to start your 'hungry and horny' speech again, I'm leaving, portal be damned," Buffy said.

"You too?" Robin grinned to Faith.

"Oh, yeah," she replied.

"Wanna do something about it?"

Faith was just considering saying yes, despite the silly outfit, when the swirling portal reappeared.

"Omigod, I'm so sorry guys, I mispronounced the fourth line and that messed up the triangulation and oh, I hope nothing bad has happened to you because I feel so guilty!" came Willow's voice through the portal.

"Saved by the bell," Buffy said wryly.

Faith stepped forward and gave Robin a juicy kiss before strolling back to the portal. "Maybe next time," she easily replied to his earlier offer.

"Looking forward to it," he said as she leapt through and ended up back in the Sunnydale High library.


End file.
